Why We Doubt Ourselves After We Finally Get Clarity💜
Nothing makes you question yourself faster than finally telling yourself the truth.
There is a moment—quiet, unspectacular, almost easy to miss—when you realize:
This isn’t right.
This isn’t aligned.
This isn’t what I want anymore.
No drama.
No fight.
No big reveal.
Just clarity.
And strangely… that’s often when doubt begins.
The Truth Arrives Quietly
Clarity rarely arrives with a bang.
It shows up while you’re washing dishes.
Driving home.
Lying in bed, replaying the day.
It feels less like a dramatic realization and more like a quiet knowing:
“Oh, I see what this is now.”
For a brief moment, everything feels settled.
Until your brain starts a group chat.
If clarity were dramatic, we’d trust it more — but instead it shows up in sweatpants and quietly rearranges your life.
Why Doubt Shows Up Right After Clarity
Because clarity threatens familiarity.
Even if something wasn’t healthy, it was:
known
predictable
emotionally familiar
Growth, on the other hand, is new territory, and new territory prompts the nervous system to ask:
“Are we sure this is safe?”
That question isn’t a weakness.
It’s wiring.
The Comfort of the Known
Humans don’t automatically choose what’s healthy.
We choose what’s familiar.
Even if familiar includes:
inconsistency
confusion
emotional guessing games
doing interpretive dance with mixed signals
When you choose clarity, you’re choosing an unfamiliar peace,
and that peace can feel suspicious at first.
The Inner Negotiation Phase
After clarity, many people enter what I lovingly call:
The Negotiation Phase.
It sounds like:
“Maybe I was too quick.”
“They weren’t that bad.”
“No relationship is perfect.”
“What if I’m being too picky?”
This is not intuition.
This is discomfort trying to renegotiate access.
Humor Break (Because Perspective Helps)
If you’ve ever convinced yourself to reconsider someone you felt calm about leaving,
you may have been negotiating with loneliness, not love.
Clarity vs. Conditioning
Clarity says:
This doesn’t feel right.
Conditioning says:
Don’t rock the boat. Don’t be difficult. Don’t lose what you have.
Clarity is calm.
Conditioning is loud.
When the loud voice speaks, we often assume it’s the truthful one.
It isn’t.
It’s just more practiced.
Why We Second-Guess Healthy Decisions
Because choosing differently can feel like:
risking loneliness
risking regret
risking being “wrong.”
But staying where you aren’t aligned risks something too:
Yourself.
What Self-Trust Actually Looks Like
Self-trust is not dramatic.
It doesn’t stomp its foot.
It doesn’t give TED Talks.
It sounds more like:
“I know this is right for me.”
“I feel calmer about choosing this.”
“I don’t need to explain this decision to feel confident in it.”
Quiet clarity is still clarity.
Tiny Truth
Doubt after clarity doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
It means you’re growing.
Closing Thought
If you’ve recently gained clarity and then immediately questioned yourself…
You’re not broken.
You’re not confused.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re doing something new.
And new can feel unfamiliar before it feels peaceful.
Give yourself time to trust what you already know.
💜
Louise
The Day After Valentine’s: What Did You Really Learn?
Valentine’s Day is a performance. February 15th is the review.
If Valentine’s Day is the movie…
The day after is the director’s commentary.
No music.
No mood lighting.
No prix fixe menu.
No candy hearts.
Just you, your feelings, and whatever actually happened.
And that’s where the real information resides.
The Emotional Hangover Is Real
The day after Valentine’s can feel strangely clarifying.
Maybe you feel:
closer
relieved
unsure
disappointed
peaceful
or unexpectedly certain
None of those reactions is wrong.
They’re data.
If You Felt Relieved
Relief is information.
If the holiday pressure lifted and you felt lighter, calmer, and more yourself…
that tells you something about how much effort the connection required.
Connection shouldn’t feel like a performance review you survived.
If You Felt Disappointed
Disappointment isn’t always about the other person.
Sometimes it’s about the story we quietly write in our heads.
Expectations create emotional scripts.
Reality simply reads the lines it is given.
If You Felt Peaceful
Peace doesn’t always arrive with fireworks.
Sometimes it shows up as:
ease
comfort
being fully yourself
not monitoring the moment
That’s not boring.
That’s safety.
And safety is underrated.
If You Reached Out to Someone From the Past
You’re human.
Seasonal loneliness, nostalgia, and comparison are powerful forces.
But now you have new information.
Ask yourself:
Did it feel grounding?
Or did it feel like reopening a chapter you had already finished?
No judgment. Just awareness.
Humor Break (Because Perspective Helps)
If you spent Valentine’s Day snacking in comfortable clothes and felt emotionally stable…
you may have had the healthiest evening of all.
What Matters Most Isn’t the Holiday
The real question isn’t:
“How did Valentine’s Day go?”
It’s:
“How do I feel today when nothing special is happening?”
Because real compatibility shows up in ordinary moments.
Not curated ones.
Tiny Truth for the Week After
Pressure creates moments.
Clarity reveals patterns.
Closing Thought
The holiday is over.
The noise is quieter.
And now you get to see what’s true.
Not what looked romantic.
Not what felt urgent.
Not what seemed symbolic.
What’s actually true.
That kind of clarity is worth more than any bouquet.
💜
Louise
Valentine’s Day Energy Is Not a Relationship Strategy
If a holiday can change how you feel about someone, it wasn’t love — it was lighting.
Valentine’s week does something very specific to otherwise rational people.
Suddenly:
relationships look more serious,
exes seem less terrible,
and “maybe” starts to sound suspiciously like “yes.”
It’s not your intuition.
It’s atmosphere.
The Emotional Mood Lighting Effect
Valentine’s Day creates emotional mood lighting.
Everything feels:
more romantic
more urgent
more symbolic
Even situations that were previously confusing, inconsistent, or emotionally underwhelming suddenly look… softer.
But mood lighting is not compatibility.
It just hides the flaws for a minute.
Why This Week Feels So Intense
Your nervous system doesn’t track dates.
But your brain tracks social signals.
And right now those signals say:
“Love is happening.”
“People are pairing.”
“Time is passing.”
That can create a quiet internal pressure that sounds like:
“Should I be doing something?”
That pressure is about belonging.
Not alignment.
The Performance Trap
This week, especially, people start dating as if they’re preparing a presentation.
They think:
Who can I take out?
Who could post me?
Who makes me look like I have something figured out?
But relationships built on performance pressure usually feel exhausting by March.
Because you didn’t choose someone.
You chose relief.
Humor Break (Because We Need It)
If you’ve ever thought:
“Well… at least I won’t be alone on Saturday.”
That’s not romance.
That’s logistics.
And logistics rarely lead to lifelong love stories.
The Real Question to Ask This Week
Not:
“Do I have plans?”
But:
“Do I actually feel safe, seen, and myself with this person?”
Because chocolates fade.
Photos scroll away.
But emotional fit shows up on a random Tuesday when nothing special is happening.
Tiny Truth for Valentine’s Week
Urgency creates activity.
It doesn’t create compatibility.
Closing Thought
If someone feels right because it’s Valentine’s week…
Wait.
If they still feel right next week, next month, or on a boring Wednesday night when no one is watching?
That’s information.
Love doesn’t need a holiday to feel real.
💜
Louise
💘Are You Missing Them… or Just Missing Being Chosen?
Sometimes we don’t miss the person — we miss the feeling of being someone’s person.
There’s a specific kind of emotional confusion that shows up this time of year.
You think you miss them.
You think you want to text them.
You think maybe you “overreacted” or “gave up too soon.”
But if we slow the moment down—gently, kindly, like adults who’ve been here before—something else is usually happening.
You don’t miss them.
You miss feeling chosen.
The Difference We Don’t Talk About Enough
Missing a person feels like:
remembering conversations
missing how you felt around them
wanting a connection with that specific human
Missing being chosen feels like:
checking your phone more than usual
suddenly thinking about exes who weren’t aligned
wondering who else is being taken to dinner
One is connection.
The other is comparison.
And February is very good at stirring up the second one.
Why This Happens Right Now
Valentine’s season turns love into a public event.
Even if you don’t care about the holiday, your brain still notices:
couple photos
date talk
plans being made
And without you consciously choosing it, your nervous system whispers:
“Am I behind?”
That question has nothing to do with compatibility.
It has everything to do with visibility.
Here’s the Sneaky Part
When we feel unchosen, we don’t always seek alignment.
We seek relief.
Relief looks like:
texting someone familiar
revisiting “almost” relationships
romanticizing people we already knew weren’t right
Not because they changed.
But because being chosen feels like proof.
Proof you’re wanted.
Proof you’re lovable.
Proof you’re not alone.
That’s human.
It’s just not a good decision-making strategy.
Humor Break (Because We Need It)
If your brain has recently said:
“Maybe he wasn’t that bad…”
Please know:
That’s not closure talking.
That’s February talking.
And February is emotionally dramatic.
A Simple Self-Check
Before reaching out, ask:
Do I miss our connection — or just not being anyone’s priority right now?
Would I want this relationship in March?
Did this person actually meet my needs… or just my loneliness?
Answers get clearer when the calendar disappears.
The Truth We Don’t Always Like
Feeling unchosen is uncomfortable.
But choosing someone just to avoid that feeling almost always leads to the wrong choice.
And nothing makes you feel less chosen than being in the wrong relationship.
Tiny Truth to Take With You
Loneliness passes.
Misalignment lingers.
Closing Thought
You are not behind.
You are not late.
And you do not need to rush into the wrong connection to quiet a temporary feeling.
The right person won’t just choose you because it’s February.
They’ll choose you because it’s you.
💜
Louise
Why February Makes Us Panic-Choose
Nothing says “true love” like a deadline and 42 heart-shaped displays at the grocery store.
Every year, around late January, something shifts.
People who were calm, reflective, and “focusing on themselves” suddenly start:
revisiting old texts,
romanticizing almost-relationships,
wondering whether that person they “weren’t sure about” was actually great,
And it’s not because clarity arrived.
It’s because February joined the chat.
The February Effect
February has a vibe.
Not cozy like December.
Not hopeful like January.
February feels like:
a countdown
a spotlight
a public relationship audit
You’re not just dating — you’re suddenly aware of:
couples’ dinner reservations,
social media highlight reels,
the idea that everyone else “figured it out” before you,
And your brain, being the dramatic storyteller it is, goes:
“Maybe I should pick someone, just in case.”
This Is Where Panic-Choosing Happens
Panic-choosing sounds like:
“Maybe I was too picky.”
“They weren’t that bad.”
“At least they liked me.”
“Something is better than nothing.”
That’s not clarity talking.
That’s deadline energy.
Love and Urgency Are Not the Same Thing
Real connection feels:
curious
open
unforced
Panic-choosing feels:
rushed
performative
slightly anxious underneath
One feels like growth.
The other feels like trying to beat the clock,
And love is not a timed exam.
Why February Messes With Your Head
Psychologically speaking (don’t worry, this part is quick):
Humans don’t just want connection - we want to feel chosen.
Valentine’s culture turns that feeling into a public event.
So the fear isn’t always:
“I don’t have the right person.”
It’s often:
“What if I’m the only one without a person?”
That’s comparison.
Not compatibility.
A Gentle Reality Check
Choosing someone because the calendar feels loud is like grocery shopping when you’re starving.
Everything looks good.
Nothing is evaluated properly.
And you almost always regret it later.
Humor Break (Because Perspective Helps)
If you’re considering texting someone you already decided wasn’t aligned just because Valentine’s Day is coming…
Please know:
That’s not destiny.
That’s seasonal anxiety wearing lip gloss.
What to Do Instead
Instead of asking:
“Who can I make work right now?”
Try asking:
Do I actually feel excited about this person — not just relieved?
Do I feel like myself around them?
Would I still choose this connection if February 14th didn’t exist?
If the answer changes when the calendar disappears, that’s your sign.
Tiny Truth to Take With You
While urgency can drive decisions, it can’t create alignment.
Closing Thought
Love doesn’t arrive any faster because a romantic holiday is coming.
The right connection won’t need a seasonal push.
And the wrong one doesn’t become right just because the lights turn pink.
Take a breath.
February is loud — but you don’t have to be.
💜
Louise
Why Calm Feels Boring When You’re Used to Chaos (And Why That’s Not a Red Flag)
If calm feels boring, it doesn’t mean you’re broken — it means your nervous system is learning a new language.
When you’ve spent years dating with intensity, mixed signals, or emotional highs followed by long stretches of confusion, calm can feel strangely underwhelming at first.
Not wrong.
Not bad.
Just unfamiliar.
And that unfamiliarity can trigger a quiet panic — Shouldn’t I feel more? Am I missing something? This post isn’t about settling or forcing yourself to like someone who doesn’t light you up. It’s about understanding why peace doesn’t always arrive with fireworks, and why learning to trust calm takes a little time - especially if chaos used to be your baseline.
And if you’ve spent years navigating intensity, mixed signals, or emotional roller coasters, calm can even feel suspicious — as if something must be missing.
Nothing is missing.
You’re just adjusting.
When Chaos Was the Baseline
If you’re used to relationships that involve:
decoding texts
waiting for clarity
emotional highs followed by long silences
chemistry that came with anxiety
Your nervous system learned to associate activation with connection.
So when someone shows up:
consistently
predictably
without drama
Your brain might say, “This is nice.”
But your body says, “Why am I not more excited?”
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.
It means your system is recalibrating.
Calm Isn’t Boring — It’s Unfamiliar
Here’s the psychological truth (don’t worry, we’ll keep it casual):
Your brain likes patterns - even unhealthy ones.
So when chaos is familiar, calm can feel flat at first.
Not because it lacks depth, but because it lacks adrenaline.
Adrenaline is not the same as attraction.
How to Tell the Difference Between Calm and “Not It”
Healthy calm feels:
grounding,
steady,
emotionally safe, and
quietly engaging.
Unaligned calm feels:
draining,
forced,
polite,
like you’re performing interest.
Ask yourself:
Do I feel relaxed and curious?
Or am I just relieved there’s no conflict?
Calm with curiosity grows.
Flat stays flat.
Why Chaos Feels Exciting (But Costs More)
Chaos feels exciting because:
It keeps you guessing.
It spikes dopamine.
It creates urgency.
But it also:
drains energy
clouds judgment
keeps you emotionally alert rather than emotionally secure
That rush isn’t romance.
It’s your nervous system on high alert.
A Gentle Reframe
Instead of asking:
“Why don’t I feel fireworks?”
Try asking:
“Do I feel safe being myself here?”
“Do I feel calmer after spending time with them?”
“Do I feel more grounded or more confused?”
Those answers are quieter, but they’re far more honest.
A Little Humor (Because We Need It)
If someone texts you consistently, follows through, and doesn’t make you overthink…
…and your first thought is, “Is this too easy?”
Congratulations.
You may be healing.
Tiny Truth to Take With You
Calm doesn’t mean boring.
It means your nervous system isn’t on edge anymore.
That’s not something to fix.
Closing Thought
If calm feels unfamiliar right now, that’s okay.
You’re learning a new emotional language.
Give yourself time to adjust - and don’t mistake peace for a lack of chemistry.
Sometimes the healthiest connections don’t shout.
They speak quietly… and stay.
What I’m No Longer Over-Explaining This Year
If you need a paragraph to justify a boundary, it wasn’t up for debate in the first place.
Every January, there’s pressure to reinvent yourself.
New habits.
New rules.
New declarations made loudly and forgotten quietly.
But this year?
I’m not interested in becoming someone new - I’m interested in becoming clearer.
And clarity has led me to a particular decision:
I’m no longer over-explaining.
Over-Explaining Isn’t Kindness — It’s Anxiety Wearing Lip Gloss
Let’s be honest.
Over-explaining usually sounds like:
“I just want you to understand where I’m coming from…”
“I don’t want you to think I’m being difficult…”
“It’s not that serious. I just…”
Notice how all of these are less about clarity and more about permission.
We tell ourselves we’re being thoughtful.
But more often, we’re trying to manage someone else’s reaction.
And that’s exhausting.
Clarity Does Not Require a Backstory
One of the biggest relationship myths is that if we explain ourselves well enough, the other person will finally understand.
But here’s the truth I wish I’d learned sooner:
People who respect you don’t need a detailed explanation. They need honesty.
Sometimes clarity sounds as simple as this:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I need consistency.”
What I’m Retiring This Year
I’m officially done:
softening my no into a maybe.
justifying reasonable boundaries.
filling in gaps someone else created.
explaining the same thing twice to the same person.
If something feels off, I don’t need to talk it into alignment.
I can simply step back.
A Gentle Reality Check
If someone:
pushes back whenever you set a boundary,
needs repeated explanations for the same issue, and
treats clarity like a negotiation.
The problem isn’t your communication style.
It’s compatibility.
What I’m Choosing Instead
This year, I’m choosing:
fewer words, clearer meaning.
calm over convincing.
consistency over chemistry.
peace over being understood by everyone.
Because the right people don’t need persuasion.
They require presence.
A Little Humor (Because Growth is More Fun with a Smile)
If you’ve ever found yourself rehearsing a conversation in the shower to explain a boundary you already knew was valid.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re self-aware.
And you’re allowed to stop doing that.
Tiny Truth to Carry Forward
You don’t owe explanations to people who don’t respect your boundaries.
You owe it to yourself to express your true feelings.
Closing Thought
This year isn’t about doing more.
It’s about doing less—less explaining, less chasing, less managing.
And trusting that the right people won’t need you to talk them into treating you well.
Here’s to clarity, calm, and choosing yourself without guilt.
The Dating Hangover: When Nothing Went Wrong… and You Still Don’t Want Another Date
If you’ve ever gone on a perfectly “fine” date and immediately started planning your escape from a second date, this post is for you.
Have you ever been on a date where:
Nothing went wrong.
No red flags were raised.
No awkward silences occurred.
Everyone acted like a reasonable adult.
…and yet you woke up the next morning thinking,
“Well, I don’t ever need to do that again.”
Congratulations.
You’ve just had a dating hangover.
No drama.
No regret.
Just oddly uninterested and relieved that it was over.
What a Dating Hangover Actually Is
A dating hangover isn’t heartbreak.
It’s not disappointment.
It’s not even dislike.
It’s that quiet inner voice saying:
“That was fine… but I’m not excited, curious, or interested in repeating it.”
And then another voice immediately jumps in and says:
“But he was nice!”
“But nothing was wrong!”
“But maybe this is what healthy feels like?”
Cue confusion.
Why We Don’t Trust The Hangover
Here’s where it gets tricky.
When we’re used to:
intensity
emotional highs and lows
chaos dressed up as chemistry
Our nervous system gets confused when things feel calm.
So when a date feels:
polite
stable
emotionally neutral
We start wondering whether we’re the problem.
Spoiler alert: You’re probably not.
Green Flags Are Quiet… but Not All Quiet Is Green
Let’s clear something up.
Yes — green flags are often calm.
They don’t come with fireworks, stomach flips, or dramatic playlists.
But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:
Not every calm connection is a good one.
Some dates feel calm because they’re healthy.
Others feel calm because there’s no spark, no curiosity, and no emotional pull.
Your job isn’t to force excitement.
It’s to notice the difference.
Quick Gut Check: Calm or Flat?
Ask yourself:
Did I feel relaxed and engaged?
Or was I politely participating?
Did I want to know more about them — or did I want the date to end well?
Healthy calm feels:
grounding
steady
quietly appealing
Flat feels:
draining
effortful
like you were “being nice” the whole time
Your body knows which one it was, even if your brain wants a second opinion.
“Nothing Went Wrong” Is Not a Dating Requirement
This part is important.
You don’t need:
a red flag
a bad story
a clear reason
a dramatic exit
to decide not to continue.
“Nothing went wrong” is not a binding contract.
Sometimes the most emotionally mature conclusion is simply, “This doesn’t feel aligned — and that’s enough.”
Let’s Be Honest (With Love)
If you’re saying things like:
“They’re great on paper…”
“I should like them…”
“Maybe attraction grows?”
…while secretly hoping they don’t text again?
That’s not confusion.
That’s clarity tapping you on the shoulder - gently.
Tiny Truth to Take With You
You don’t owe chemistry.
You don’t owe enthusiasm.
You don’t owe another date just because someone was nice.
Your nervous system is not dramatic.
It’s informative.
Closing Thought
Dating hangovers aren’t failures.
Their feedback.
Sometimes they mean, “This was safe — give it time.”
And sometimes they mean: “This was fine — and fine isn’t what I want anymore.”
Both are valid.
Trust what you feel, even when it doesn’t come with fireworks.
Holiday Boundaries 101: How to Stay Sane, Classy, and Unbothered All Year Long
There’s something about the end of the year that invites reflection.
Not the dramatic kind. The quiet, “hmm… I don’t want to do that again” kind.
It’s the moment when we realize we’re not interested in carrying old patterns into a new calendar year — especially the ones that left us tired, confused, or over-explaining ourselves to people who weren’t really listening.
This isn’t about becoming cold.
It’s about becoming clear.
Welcome to Holiday Boundaries 101 — a gentle guide to staying sane, classy, and unbothered not just until January 1st, but all year long.
First, Let’s Redefine Boundaries (Because They’ve Been Misunderstood)
Boundaries are not ultimatums.
They’re not punishments.
And they’re definitely not you, “asking for too much.”
Boundaries are simply how you choose to participate.
They sound like:
“This works for me.”
“That doesn’t.”
“I need clarity, not confusion.”
“I don’t chase consistency — I expect it.”
Healthy boundaries don’t create distance from the right people.
They create peace with them.
Why the End of the Year Is the Perfect Time to Reset
The holidays have a way of exposing patterns we’ve been politely ignoring.
Who stresses you out?
Who drains you?
Who disappears and reappears like a seasonal decoration?
Who expects access without effort?
December doesn’t create these dynamics — it merely highlights them.
And that clarity?
That’s a gift.
Boundary #1: You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself Into Exhaustion
If you’ve ever found yourself:
Writing paragraphs to justify a decision
Over-clarifying a boundary
Softening your “no” until it sounded like a “maybe.”
This is your reminder:
People who respect you don’t need a PowerPoint.
A calm, confident boundary doesn’t need a backstory.
It just needs consistency.
Boundary #2: Mixed Signals Are Still a Signal
As we enter the new year, let’s retire the phrase:
“I’m just not sure what he means.”
Because uncertainty is information.
Consistency doesn’t confuse.
Interest doesn’t disappear.
Effort doesn’t require interpretation.
If you’re decoding behavior more than enjoying connection, that’s your cue — not your flaw.
Boundary #3: Access Is Earned, Not Seasonal
One of the sneakiest patterns this time of year is seasonal closeness.
People who:
Show up during holidays
Get nostalgic when the year ends
Reach out when they’re lonely
Fade when real effort is required
New rule for the new year:
If someone wants you only when it’s convenient, cozy, or celebratory — that’s not connection. That’s availability management.
You’re allowed to opt out.
Boundary #4: Calm Is Not Boring — It’s a Green Flag
Let’s clear this up before we head into another year:
Peace isn’t dull.
Stability isn’t a downgrade.
Predictable communication is attractive.
If your nervous system feels calmer around someone — that’s not a lack of chemistry.
That’s emotional safety.
And emotional safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship you admire from afar.
Boundary #5: You’re Allowed to Choose Yourself Without Guilt
You don’t owe access to:
People who drain you
Situations that confuse you
Conversations that go nowhere
Relationships that only exist in potential
Choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish.
It makes you available for better.
A Gentle New-Year Reframe
Instead of resolutions like:
“I won’t date the wrong person again.”
“I’ll be more guarded.”
“I’ll stop caring so much.”
Try this instead:
“I will pay attention to how I feel around people — and trust that information.”
That’s not rigid.
That’s wise.
Tiny Truth to Carry Into the New Year
Boundaries aren’t walls.
They’re filters — and they let the right people through.
You don’t need to announce them.
You just need to live them.
Closing Thought
As this year closes, you’re not starting over.
You’re starting with greater clarity.
Clearer about what you want.
Clearer about what you won’t tolerate.
Clearer about the fact that peace feels better than proving a point ever did.
Here’s to a new year of sane choices, classy boundaries, and being completely unbothered by anything that doesn’t meet you where you are.
The Gift You Really Want: Someone Who Texts Back Before January
December is full of gifts we don’t really need.
Another candle.
A scarf you’ll forget you own by February.
A mug that says something inspirational but still doesn’t fix your love life.
But there is one gift many of us quietly wish for this time of year — and it doesn’t come wrapped.
It’s not diamonds.
It’s not a grand romantic gesture.
It’s this:
Someone who texts back.
Consistently.
Before January.
Let’s talk about why that bar feels shockingly high in December… and why it shouldn’t be.
Why December Makes Inconsistency Look Like Effort
There’s something about the holidays that makes minimal effort feel meaningful.
A “thinking of you” text suddenly feels like emotional availability.
A last-minute invite feels like intention.
A vague “we should get together” feels like a plan.
But here’s the truth we don’t always want to hear:
Holiday energy can turn breadcrumbs into ornaments.
Shiny. Festive. Still not filling.
The December Mirage: When Almost Feels Like Enough
In December, we’re surrounded by:
End-of-year reflection
Family questions
Friends posting in matching pajamas
A subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure not to be alone
So when someone shows up a little, we tell ourselves:
“They’re busy.”
“It’s a crazy time of year.”
“At least they’re trying.”
And sometimes they are trying… just not in a way that builds anything lasting.
Because trying looks different from responding when it matters.
Let’s Be Honest About the Bare Minimum
Texting back isn’t romance.
It’s not vulnerability.
It’s not emotional depth.
It’s basic communication.
So when someone:
disappears for days
resurfaces with no explanation
sends warm messages without follow-through
promises more “after the holidays.”
That’s not mystery.
That’s not slow burn.
That’s delay.
And delay is information.
Why “After the Holidays” Is Not a Love Language
“After the holidays” is the adult version of:
“I’ll get back to you.”
Sometimes it’s real.
Sometimes it’s avoidance dressed up as timing.
Here’s a gentle question to ask yourself:
If they can’t show up now — when nothing is required — what will change later?
January doesn’t magically create consistency.
People do.
The Gift Exchange That Actually Matters
You don’t need someone who:
texts perfectly
responds immediately
sends paragraphs
You do deserve someone who:
responds within reason
communicates clearly
follows up when they say they will
doesn’t leave you guessing
Because the real gift isn’t attention.
Its reliability.
A Gentle December Filter
Here’s a simple way to protect your heart this season:
Before you invest emotionally, ask:
Do they text back without being prompted?
Do they initiate, not just respond?
Do their words match their timing?
If the answer is mostly “no,” then this isn’t the gift you’re waiting for.
It’s just wrapping paper.
A Little Humor (Because We Need It)
If someone can:
RSVP to a party
Show up to brunch
Post pictures
Scroll endlessly
But can’t send a simple response?
That’s not being busy.
That’s being selectively unavailable.
And you don’t need to unwrap that.
Tiny Holiday Truth
The gift you really want
isn’t a surprise.
It’s someone who shows up —
before January makes promises they won’t keep.
This season, choose the gift that lasts:
Clarity.
Consistency.
And someone who doesn’t leave your messages unopened like a forgotten package.
You’re not asking for too much.
You’re just asking the wrong person.
Holiday Soft Spots: Why We Lower Our Standards in December (and How to Lift Them Back Up Gently)
There’s something about December that turns our emotional thermostat down a notch. Lights go up, cheer goes up, and suddenly, we’re hit with this gentle winter breeze that whispers: “Maybe he’s different this time.”
We’ve all been there. One minute you’re minding your heart like a finely tuned instrument, and the next you’re letting nostalgia, holiday sparkle, and a familiar smile convince you that consistency is just taking a seasonal vacation. If December had a dating motto, it would be: “Soft hearts make soft decisions.”
Let’s talk about why that happens… and how to keep your standards gentle, not negotiable.
Why December Softens Us (Even When We Say We’re Done With That)
December hits our nervous system like a friendly relative who always talks politics at Thanksgiving: You didn’t invite it, but suddenly you’re in it.
1) Nostalgia Bias Is Real
Holiday songs on loop trigger memory magnets. We remember warmth, not reality. We think of that person we once almost trusted — and in our hearts, we skip the parts where they let us down.
2) Holiday Hope Is a Thing
There’s a cultural story about “new beginnings,” “magic,” and “everything changing at midnight.” Your brain hears “potential,” and it starts handing out emotional confetti like it’s a parade.
3) Seasonal Events Create Pressure
“Bring a date!” someone says. Suddenly, you’re scrolling through texts from June and thinking: Why not? Reality check: Holiday parties do not overwrite emotional history.
Soft Standards vs. Solid Standards — What’s the Difference?
In December, standards quietly get replaced with:
- “He’s nice enough.”
- “He seems less dramatic than October.”
- “Well… he did open the car door once.”
- “At least he’s here now.”
That’s not standards. That’s seasonal optimism with push notifications.
How to Lift Your Standards (Softly, Gently, With Humor)
1) Test for Consistency, Not Chemistry
Does he do the thing he said he’d do — more than once? If the answer is “sometimes,” that’s not consistency.
2) Reframe Holiday Warmth as Atmosphere, Not Affection
Twinkle lights look romantic on everyone. Holiday ambiance is a great backdrop — but your standards are the main character.
3) Stay Curious, Not Hopeful
Curious asks: What did he do last week? Does he make plans or imagine them? Hopeful says: He’ll grow into it.
4) Set a Gentle Filter Rule
Before you give him emotional shelf space, let him pass two real-world tests:
- Follow-through
- Follow-up (without reminders)
Real Talk: Soft Hearts Are a Strength — Until They’re a Loop
December doesn’t cancel your standards — it tests them. Does he add to your peace, or just to your playlist?
Standards aren’t Grinches. They’re gift receipts for future self-care.
Tiny Holiday Clarity Nugget
Warm moments are lovely — but consistent actions are love.
Stay warm, stay curious, and let your standards be your softest strength — not your softest spot.
The December Delusion: Why the Wrong Letter Looks Right Under Twinkle Lights
(And why you should never make big decisions while holding a peppermint mocha.)
Let’s talk about December—the month where even the wrong letter suddenly starts looking like a warm, emotionally available human being… instead of the walking inconsistency he was in June.
I call this phenomenon:
The December Delusion.
It’s as if your brain puts on a festive Instagram filter, and suddenly that man who has been “busy” since Labor Day now looks:
kind,
mysterious,
refreshingly responsive,
and somehow 34% more attractive after holiday drinks.
December does this to us.
Twinkle lights lower our IQ by 20 points.
Peppermint lattes impair judgment.
And our inner romantic—who's been quiet all year—suddenly wakes up like:
“Maybe he was the one… we just met in the wrong season.”
No, Sis.
He wasn’t the one in August, and he isn’t the one now.
December just knows how to set a mood.
Let’s unpack the three biggest December Delusions so you can spot them before you accidentally start planning a future with someone who thinks “communication” means liking your Instagram posts once a week.
🎄 Delusion #1: “He Texted Me… He Must Miss Me.”
Listen.
A December text from the wrong letter isn't a sign from the universe.
It’s a sign of his nostalgia, loneliness, or maybe his bourbon.
December makes even mediocre men reflective.
He’s not thinking about your compatibility—he’s thinking about his year-end highlight reel and wondering why he’s eating holiday leftovers alone.
A text that says “Hope you're well 😊” is not romance.
It is seasonal emotional turbulence.
Check whether he’s texting with intention.
Or simply because listening to “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on repeat got to him.
✨ Delusion #2: “He Looks So Much Better Than I Remember.”
Twinkle lights are powerful.
They can make a parking lot look romantic.
They can make hot chocolate taste gourmet.
They can make the wrong letter seem like a long-term partner.
But remember:
Decorative lighting is not a compatibility filter.
If he didn’t spark joy in June sunlight,
don’t let him suddenly turn into Prince Charming under a Walmart garland.
As a rule:
If you need holiday ambiance to like him… You actually don’t like him.
You like the season you’re in. Not the man.
❄️ Delusion #3: “Maybe He Changed…”
Ah, the classic holiday plot twist we create for ourselves every year.
He didn’t evolve.
He didn’t transform.
He didn’t go on a silent retreat and discover emotional depth.
He is just responding to the same seasonal loneliness that makes you want to text him back.
Amid the music, cinnamon scents, sweaters, and the pressure to “not be alone,” your brain becomes highly suggestible.
You’re not falling in love —
you’re just falling into seasonal sentimentality.
And the wrong letter thrives in environments where logic is offline.
Growth takes time.
December has 31 days.
Please adjust accordingly.
🎁 The Wrong Letter Only Looks Right Because January Feels Far Away
Here’s the truth:
We act differently in December because the consequences don’t seem real yet.
January is when clarity returns.
January is when standards come back.
January is when you look back and think:
“…I entertained WHO?”
December is temporary romance goggles.
January is the eye exam.
🧣Why December Men Feel Different (But They Shouldn't)
Here’s the thing:
December doesn’t change men.
It just changes your mood lighting.
Every letter group knows this.
A–E (The Grounded Builders)
They start feeling kinder. Warmer. More thoughtful.
It’s not growth yet — it’s nostalgia with good manners.
F–L (The Steady Hearts)
Suddenly philosophical.
Extra communicative.
Sending “hope you're doing well” messages with suspicious timing.
M–N (The Charming Whirlwinds)
Peak season.
This is their Olympics.
They thrive during “big feelings” months — and December is the Super Bowl of sentimentality.
O–T (The Deep Divers)
Intense. Reflective. Possibly hauling out old journal entries.
Their DMs come with a soft emotional backstory attached.
U–Z (The Wild Cards)
Unpredictable.
They either vanish or show up with “Hey, stranger” energy you weren’t prepared for.
None of this makes them the right letter.
It just makes them December versions of themselves.
And December versions of people are like holiday store displays:
beautiful to look at, fun to admire, but not built for long-term living.
🌟 Your December Dating Assignment
Instead of letting holiday ambiance cloud your judgment, try this:
Notice who makes you feel grounded, not dazzled.
Pay attention to consistency, not charm.
Choose conversations that feel warm in the daylight.
Stop flirting with nostalgia—it lies.
Remember that in January, you always know the truth.
December gives us magic.
January gives us clarity.
Please don’t confuse the two.
💜 Final Thought: You Deserve More Than Seasonal Attention
The right letter will feel right in every season—not just when glittery lights are doing half the emotional labor.
So while December Delusion may make the wrong letter look right…
Your intuition still knows the difference.
And she’s never wrong.
Holiday Dating Survival Guide, Part 2: Do I Like Him… or Do I Like the Holiday Attention?
(Because sometimes the mistletoe makes us delusional.)
’Tis the season…
for twinkle lights, peppermint lattes, emotional nostalgia, and the sudden urge to believe that the man who barely texts back in October is somehow "different" in December.
Let’s go ahead and call this what it is:
Holiday Brain.
It’s just like regular dating brain, but with a dash of cinnamon.
And if you’ve ever found yourself wondering:
Do I actually like him?
Or do I just like being noticed when everything feels especially sparkly?
Then, this post is your holiday PSA.
Because nothing messes with clarity faster than a cute guy in a scarf saying, “We should hang out before the year ends.”
Let’s walk through this gently — with humor, clarity, and maybe a cookie.
🎁 Symptom #1: You Feel a Warm Glow… But It Might Just Be the Space Heater
He texts you:
“Happy Post Thanksgiving week 😊”
And suddenly you’re like:
“Wow… he’s emotionally available now.”
No, Sis.
He’s just finished work and is in a good mood because someone else cooked.
Before you start picturing matching pajamas, ask yourself:
Would I care if this same message came in September?
If the answer is “probably not,”
that’s holiday attention talking — not compatibility.
Don't confuse the limited-edition, peppermint-scented version of a man,
with the regular, all-year model.
❄️ Symptom #2: You Mistake Convenience for Chemistry
Holiday Attention Guy is suddenly:
liking your posts
responding faster
asking how you’ve been
sending memes again
using more exclamation points than usual!!
And you’re like:
“OMG, he’s grown.”
Has he?
Or is he just lonely, and suddenly sentimental because the Hallmark channel has been on for two weeks straight?
Holiday loneliness is not emotional maturity.
(Though it dresses up nicely.)
🎄 Symptom #3: You Like the Vibe… Not the Man
The vibe:
twinkle lights
cozy sweaters
festive cocktails
background Christmas music
the soft delusion that romance is in the air
The man:
hasn’t planned a real date.
alternates between “Maybe” and “We’ll see.”
gives you mild anxiety with a peppermint twist.
Ask yourself:
Am I excited about him…or the idea of having someone to flirt with while sipping whipped-cream-topped beverages?
If it’s the beverage, please step away from the fantasy.
🎁 Symptom #4: You Want Someone to Bring to Holiday Events
Ah, yes… the seasonal relationship placeholder.
He’s not boyfriend material,
but he could be “my plus-one so Aunt Linda stops asking me questions” material.
Suddenly, any man with a pulse and a clean shirt starts looking like potential.
But emotional decisions made under decorative lighting should be revisited in January.
Especially decisions made after eggnog.
This is how we end up entertaining men we don’t even like — to avoid family commentary.
Reminder:
Don’t let loneliness or annoyance choose your date.
Those two have never paid your therapy bill.
🔔 Symptom #5: The Thought of New Year’s Eve Makes You Romantic
You’re not in love.
You’re just allergic to watching couples kiss while you hold a cheese plate.
Completely understandable.
Still not a reason to lower your standards.
🧣 If You Want Holiday Attention… Own It
Sometimes you’re not looking for a soulmate —
You’re just looking for someone to split a gingerbread cookie with.
That's fine.
Normal.
Human.
And definitely not a moral failure.
Just be honest with yourself so that December fun doesn’t turn into January heartbreak.
🌟 Holiday Clarity Moment
Before responding to any holiday-season attention, ask yourself:
“Do I actually like him,
Or do I like how he fills the holiday silence?”
Your answer will save you from January regret.
🎁 A Little Truth to Take With You
Holiday Attention Guy rarely becomes January Boyfriend.
January Boyfriends require:
consistency
clarity
follow-through
respect
actual plans
calendars
daylight communication
Holiday Attention Guy often disappears on December 26th
Like a seasonal item, Target won’t restock.
💜 Final Thought: Give Yourself the Attention You’re Craving
If this season makes you want connection:
call your friends.
schedule cozy nights.
take cute photos.
buy yourself a gift.
drink the good wine that you saved for a special occasion.
A real connection will grow beyond the sparkle.
If it’s seasonal, it will melt faster than a snowman in Atlanta.
Either way —
You deserve attention that lasts longer than the holiday décor.
And you will have it.
Holiday Dating Survival Guide (Alphabet Theory Edition)
Ah, the holidays — that magical time of year when twinkling lights sparkle, peppermint everything appears uninvited, and suddenly everyone you’ve ever dated starts texting you like they’re filming a reboot of A Christmas Carol.
But before you fall into the annual trap of “holiday hopefulness” (a condition where you confuse seasonal loneliness with emotional clarity), let’s look at how to survive — and actually enjoy — the most relationship-charged season of the year.
ABT style, of course. 💜
🎄 1. Beware of the Seasonal Texting Surge
Every November, without fail, the ghosts of letters past rise like unwanted emotional holiday decorations.
If your phone lights up with:
“Hey, stranger”
“Happy Thanksgiving 😊”
Or my personal favorite:
“Thinking of you. Hope you’re well.”
...don't fall for it.
It’s not emotional growth.
It’s not fate.
It’s not divine timing.
It’s seasonal loneliness wearing a Santa hat.
Pause. Breathe.
Then respond with the maturity of someone who knows her letter groups:
“Wishing you well, too.”
…and close the door gently.
🎁 2. Know Your Letter Group in Holiday Mode
Each AlphaBet Theory group acts differently once Mariah Carey defrosts.
A–E: The Grounded Builders
They become extra responsible.
They host.
They organize.
They bring the good wine.
These are the people you actually want to be around this season.
F–L: The Steady Hearts
Everyone’s favorite comfort zone.
Warm, thoughtful, reliable — the ones who show up with a blanket and a plate.
If you’re dating someone in this group, congratulations. You’ve effortlessly survived cuffing season.
M–N: The Charming Whirlwinds
Holiday mode turns them into glitter with a pulse.
Fun, spontaneous, memorable — but not always emotionally consistent.
Great for parties.
Not always great for planning New Year’s Eve.
O–T: The Deep Divers
Sensitive, reflective, and sometimes moody.
They feel the holidays intensely.
If you’re dating one, be ready for meaning, depth, and at least one philosophical moment over mashed potatoes.
U–Z: The Wild Cards
Unpredictable in all seasons, but the holidays enhance it.
They might book a spontaneous trip to Aspen.
They might forget to RSVP to your work party.
They might do both in the same 24 hours.
Handle with curiosity AND caution.
(But you’ll laugh, I promise.)
🧣 3. Protect Your Energy at Family Gatherings
There’s always someone at Thanksgiving dinner who believes they’re on a mission from the Dating Census Bureau.
“So, when are you getting serious?”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“What about that nice boy from church?”
Repeat after me:
“I’m focusing on alignment, not placeholders.” Then take a sip of cider or maybe something a little stronger, like the goddess you are.
We don’t rush into relationships just because Grandma thinks you’d look adorable in matching pajamas.
🦃 4. If You’ve Just Started Dating Someone… Keep It Light
The week of Thanksgiving is not the time to decide if he’s meeting your extended family, who still argue about who made the best sweet potato pie in 1997.
If it’s new:
No heavy labels
No dramatic expectations
No pressure
No assuming you’re suddenly “holiday official.”
Keep it simple:
“Hope you have a great holiday!”
No spreadsheets.
No emotional dissertations.
Just vibes.
🎉 5. Don't Confuse Holiday Chemistry with Compatibility
Holidays create:
Pretty lights
Nostalgia
Cold weather cuddles
Emotional vulnerability
Boredom
Bonus loneliness
Excess sugar intake
It’s basically the perfect recipe for misreading a moment.
Just because someone looks good under string lights does not mean they are your future.
Be observant.
Be grounded.
And please — don't assign emotional meaning to a man who just bought you a peppermint mocha.
🎬 6. Prep Your Exit Strategies (You Will Need Them)
Holiday boundaries are a gift to yourself.
Use these phrases freely:
“I’m keeping this season stress-free.”
“I’m focusing on family and personal peace.”
“I’m not emotionally available for holiday mysteries.”
“I’m choosing joy this year, not confusion.”
Add a smile and a gentle tone, and suddenly you become the emotionally intelligent queen of Christmas.
✨7. Create Your Own Holiday Tradition
This season isn’t about avoiding the wrong letters — it’s about choosing yourself.
Start something just for yourself.
A cozy ritual
A weekly self-date
A playlist
A movie night
A baking session
A gratitude practice
Peace is a holiday gift too.
And it comes pre-wrapped.
💜 Final Word: You Don’t Need a Holiday Plus-One
You need:
Clarity
Confidence
Boundaries
Joy
Laughter
Real connection
Friends who get your letter group
A good blanket
Snacks
If love shows up this season, great!
If it doesn’t?
You still have the whole holiday vibe.
Next Week: Blog Post 12
Do I Like Him… or Do I Just Like the Attention?
A little spicy. A little honest. Very necessary.
Dear Past Me: Stop Texting Him Back
Dear Past Me,
I love you. Truly. You did your best with the tools you had—intuition, butterflies, optimism, and that one friend who gave terrible advice but had great hair. And honestly? Those tools took us pretty far.
But we need to talk about the texting, especially texting him.
Because I recall how it happened.
He’d send “hey” at 11:47 PM.
No punctuation.
No context.
Not even a question mark.
And your whole heart would light up as if someone turned on a lamp.
Baby…
That wasn’t romance.
That was low battery mode.
You Weren’t Texting Him — You Were Texting the Renovation Plan
You weren’t responding to the man who was there.
You were replying to:
The potential version
The improved version
The fully emotionally available man who communicates clearly, schedules dates in advance, apologizes properly, and keeps his promises.
The version of him you created, like you were on HGTV: Emotional Edition.
You had blueprints.
A mood board.
Fixtures picked out.
The open-concept floor plan of his healed emotional landscape.
Meanwhile, the real man was still… in demolition.
Not ready for showing.
Permit not approved.
Hard hat required.
You can't move into a house that’s still under construction, sweetheart.
You Took Breadcrumbs and Baked a Whole Wedding Cake
He sent: "Miss you.”
And you translated that into: "I have spent time in deep reflection and realized you are my heart's home.”
Ma'am, he was just bored while waiting in line at Jersey Mike's.
Your Friends Weren’t Being Harsh — They Were Acting as Security Guards
Remember when your best friend said:
If he wanted to, he would.
And you got offended?
Sis, she wasn’t judging you.
She was trying to escort that clown out of your personal emotional data center.
She recognized the red flags before you turned them into decorative throw pillows.
You Weren’t Weak — You Were Hopeful
Hope isn't a flaw.
Hope is beautiful.
But hope needs to be supported by behavior.
By:
Effort
Follow-through
Consistency
And replies that do not come three business days later
We no longer accept love that comes in delayed installments.
And in Case You’re Wondering… You Grew
You have learned to:
Pause before responding.
Match effort, not imagination.
Choose peace over adrenaline
Recognize when “chemistry” was merely anxiety in disguise.
Your future self — me — is genuinely proud of you.
And she responds more slowly now.
Intentionally.
Because she waits to see echo, effort, and energy.
With love — and a raised eyebrow of shared experience,
Your Present-Day Self
P.S. He was not the lesson.
You were — and see how you’re learning to love yourself more.
💜
Next Week:
Holiday Dating Survival Guide (Alphabet Theory Edition)
Because nothing brings out the wrong letters like holiday nostalgia.
How to Break the Letter Loop (Gently, with Snacks)
So, you’ve noticed you keep dating the same type of person—same energy, same storyline, same last initial—and now you’re wondering: Okay, great… how do I break the cycle? Do I move to the mountains? Block everyone named Michael or Noah? Become emotionally unavailable but with better skincare?
Don’t panic. You don’t need a mountain, a retreat, or a vow of silence. You need a reset—one slight, brave shift at a time.
Step 1: Identify Your Pattern (a.k.a. Know Your Script)
Before you change the ending, you need to admit you’ve been rereading the same chapter.
Ask yourself:
What kind of person do I keep choosing?
What’s the emotional rhythm of my relationships? (Fast start, slow fade? Bare minimum but great eyebrows?)
Do all my breakups feel like déjà vu?
When you can identify your loop, you can break it.
Step 2: Date the Reality, Not the Potential
If Blog Post 8 called you out gently, consider this your hug.
Stop dating people for who they could be after emotional renovations. Date them for who they are today—without a makeover, a TED Talk, or future therapy.
Here’s the rule: If you have to write a sequel to justify staying mentally, it’s not love—it’s a script.
Step 3: Try a Different Letter (Yes, Really)
If you keep dating from the M–N “Charming Whirlwind” group (all passion, no planning), maybe it’s time to try... a different letter.
A–E (Builders): They show up early and bring snacks.
F–L (Steady Hearts): Calm, consistent, shockingly emotionally available.
O–T (Deep Divers): Feelings. Journals. Eye contact.
U–Z (Wild Cards): They own a passport, feelings optional.
If you always order emotional chaos, try something with fiber instead.
Step 4: Redefine ‘Spark’
Chemistry shouldn’t feel like anxiety in disguise.
Ask yourself:
Do I feel calm around this person?
Do I trust them?
Or do I feel like I’m in a group chat with my heart, my gut, and a fire alarm?
Spark should feel like interest—not survival mode.
Step 5: Set a No-Rewrite Rule
If someone shows you their emotional operating system—believe it.
No rewriting red flags into poetry.
No turning bare minimum effort into destiny.
Your new rule: Date the person in front of you, not the one in your imagination wearing their potential.
Mini Reflection (Screenshot This):
What letter group do I keep choosing?
What do I love about it? What hurts about it?
If love showed up healthy, would I even recognize it?
What’s one small habit I can change at the beginning of a connection?
A Soft Reminder (From Someone Who Gets It)
You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re just learning to stop auditioning for heartbreak and beginning to choose peace.
The wrong letter isn’t a failure—it’s a teacher.
Learn the lesson. Take the diploma. Move on.
Next Week on the Blog…
We’re doing something fun and slightly chaotic:
“Love Letters I Should Have Sent (But Never Did)”
Real letters. Real feelings. No postage required.
💌 Want the next post delivered automatically?
Subscribe to Louise’s Love Letter—the newsletter that loves you back.
Are You in Love — or Just Addicted to Potential?
I once dated a man I was completely convinced would be amazing someday.
Not right now.
Not actually.
But in the imagined future version of him I created in my mind, like a home renovation project I watch on HGTV.
That, my friend, is not love. That’s an addiction to potential — and it should come with a warning label and perhaps a support group.
And yes… it often shows up in the same letter group.
Michael M., who almost had his life together.
Nathan N., who could benefit from therapy.
And Matthew M., who said, “I’m working on myself” and then took a nap.
What Does “Addicted to Potential” Mean?
It’s when you don’t fall in love with the person in front of you—you fall in love with who they could be if they healed, matured, communicated, planned, apologized, and occasionally responded to a text.
It’s not love.
It’s emotional Pinterest. You don’t truly have the person; you just have a vision board of them.
Signs You’re in Love With Potential (Not the Person)
✔ You say things like, “He’s not there yet… but he could be."
✔ You’re more in love with their growth journey than their actual behavior.
✔ Every red flag becomes a future redemption arc in your mind.
✔ Your therapist hears his name and just… sighs.
✔ You keep defending them with sentences that start with, “But if he just—”
Why We Do This (Without Going Too Deep or Getting Too Therapeutic)
· Because hope is powerful.
· Because your heart tends to be optimistic and your brain enjoys character development.
· Because it’s easier to believe in someone’s potential than to accept they might never reach it.
And let’s be honest — healing someone is way more romantic in movies than in real life.
Plus, if you’ve dated from the same letter loop (hi, M–N group), your nervous system probably thinks dramatic progress and emotional chaos is love.
The Hard Truth (Said Softly)
You can't date someone’s potential.
You can only date their reality.
And sometimes their reality is:
Great heart, poor follow-through.
Great ideas, no follow-through.
Emotionally deep... only after midnight and three whiskeys.
Potential is beautiful, but you shouldn’t have to build the person before entering the relationship.
So… What Now?
Don’t worry — this isn’t the part where I tell you to move to the mountains and stop texting. We'll save solutions for next week.
✨ Next Week on the Blog:
“How to Break the Letter Loop (Gently, with Snacks)”
A step-by-step guide to:
Choosing reality over potential
Dating in a new letter group
And loving yourself enough to stop editing other people like drafts.
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Why I Keep Dating the Same Letter (and Pretending I’m Surprised)
Have you ever looked back at your dating history and thought, “Why do all my exes feel like sequels to the same badly written movie?” Same. If my love life had credits, it would say: Starring Jason M., Marcus N., and Noah M. — different men, same storyline.
Jason M. wrote poetry but didn't respond to texts for three business days. Marcus N. made you feel like the main character… until he vanished like a coupon code. And Noah M.? He said he wasn’t like the others because he “meditated now.” (He did. Once.)
Different men
Same last-name initial group.
Same story
Same emotional roller coaster.
Same Ending.
It's like being stuck in a 'Letter Loop'.
Wait—what’s a “Letter Loop”?
In The Alphabet Theory, each person’s last-name initial falls into a personality group.
M–N letters are known as the Charming Whirlwinds — passionate, exciting, allergic to Google Calendar invites.
So when I say “Letter Loop,” I don’t just mean dating guys whose last names start with M or N. I mean, dating the same emotional pattern, just in different shoes.
It’s not about the name. It’s about the energy.
The vibe.
The emotional playlist on repeat.
The Letter Loop (Now That We Know What It Is)
So why do we keep dating the same “letter” — or the same type — over and over again?
Let’s skip the therapy textbook and keep it simple:
1. Familiar feels safe… even when it’s a mess.
Someone who texts you good morning and asks about your day? Cute.
But your nervous system whispers, “Hmm. Suspicious.”
Someone who answers three days later with “sorry, been busy”?
“Ah. Home.”
2. We confuse fireworks with feelings.
Chemistry is loud — sparks, goosebumps, chaos.
Compatibility is quiet — consistency, brings snacks, follow-through.
Sadly, snacks have never written a love song.
3. You’re not addicted to a person — you’re addicted to a plot.
You don’t keep falling for Mark M. because of the letter M.
You’re addicted to the storyline: The Almost. The Fixer-Upper. The Emotional Gym Membership (shows up twice, then disappears forever).
Signs You Might Be in a Letter Loop
✔ You already know how this relationship ends — and you're still on chapter two.
✔ Your friends greet new boyfriends with, “So… what’s his last name initial?”
✔ Your journal could be copied and pasted with different names.
✔ You feel butterflies and heartburn at the same time.
✔ You find yourself saying, “No, trust me — this one is different.”
Here’s the good news
You’re not broken. You’re hopeful.
We don’t repeat letters out of foolishness. We do it because we’re trying to write a better ending than last time.
And I promise — you can.
But only if we stop rewriting the same script, and stop hiring the same letter for the same role.
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7 First-Date Green Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
7 First-Date Green Flags | Dating Advice You Need
Red flags tend to get a lot of attention, but let’s switch it up: what about the green flags? Those small, meaningful moments on a first date that quietly say, ‘Hey, this could really be something special.’
Why We Focus Too Much on Red Flags
Fear alerts us to danger, but it also blinds us to opportunities. When we focus on red flags, we often miss the subtle (but important) green flags.
7 Green Flags
· They show up on time (respect).
· They ask you real questions (interest).
· They listen without interrupting (attention).
· They laugh at your jokes (connection).
· They put their phone away (presence).
· They respect boundaries (maturity).
· You leave feeling lighter, not drained (chemistry + compatibility).
Green flags might not be as eye-catching as red ones, but they serve as breadcrumbs leading you to lasting love. Watch for them, and you’ll avoid years of detours.
👉 Ready to test your radar? Take the [Deal-Breaker Decoder Quiz] and find out your score.
Alphabet Dating: Do Initials Really Predict Love?
Alphabet Dating Theory | Do Initials Predict Love?
What if the key to your love life was right in front of you… in the alphabet? Sounds crazy, right? But time and time again, people discover strange patterns when they match up their partners’ initials.
The Science of Patterns in Love
Humans are pattern-seeking beings. We notice coincidences, but sometimes they aren’t actually coincidences. Think about it: you’ve probably dated multiple people who fit a certain mold. The Alphabet Theory takes that idea and turns it into a framework that’s part insight, part comedy, and part uncanny truth. It's a theory that resonates with our shared experiences in love and relationships.
How Alphabet Theory Works
So, what's your last name’s initial? A–E? You’re a Grounded Builder. F–L? A Steady Heart. M–N? A Charming Whirlwind. O–T? A Deep Diver. U–Z? A Wild Card. Once you recognize these patterns, it’s impossible to unsee them. It's like having a secret decoder for your love life. Why not give it a try and see what you discover?
Stories That Prove It’s Not Just a Coincidence
Take my story: my first crush was an ‘R,’ and my husband is an ‘L.’ The differences in compatibility were striking. And once I started asking friends, coworkers, and even strangers, the stories flooded in — uncanny similarities, such as shared hobbies, hilarious mishaps like always ordering the same dish at a restaurant, and a few heartbreaks due to fundamental differences.
👉 Curious about what your letter reveals about you? Take the [Which Letter Group Is Your Match? Quiz] or read more in *Stop Dating the Wrong Letters.*