What Would Love Add?

Maybe the question isn't whether you need a relationship.

Somewhere along the way, “I don't need a man” became both a declaration and a destination.

And fair enough.

A lot of women have worked very hard to build lives that don't require another adult human being to keep them functioning.

We support ourselves. Make our own decisions. Build friendships. Create homes we love. Travel. Solve problems. Make plans. Change plans. Call the plumber.

Life is already happening.

But I have a question.

When did not needing something mean you couldn't possibly want it?

Need and Want Are Not the Same Thing

There are many wonderful things in my life that I don't technically need.

A beautiful meal.

Music.

Travel.

A conversation that lasts much longer than expected because nobody wants to leave.

We need none of these things to survive, but that's not a reason to stop wanting them.

And yet we sometimes talk about romantic relationships differently.

We want to make it clear immediately that we're fine without one.

I don't need anybody.

Maybe you don't.

But that doesn't answer the more interesting question.

Would you like somebody?

Not because your life is empty.

Not because you need rescuing.

Not because you're waiting for another person to make your life meaningful.

Maybe your life already has meaning.

Maybe it's full.

Maybe you genuinely like it.

And maybe there are still experiences you'd like to share with someone else.

Both things can be true.

What Would Love Add?

I think this question becomes particularly interesting once you've built a life that works.

When you're younger, relationships can arrive as you build your life.

Career. Home. Family. Identity. Money. Dreams.

You're determining what your life will become while also deciding who might share it with you.

Later, the question can look different.

You've already made quite a few decisions.

You know things about yourself that you didn't know twenty or thirty years ago.

You know what makes you happy.

You know what drains you.

You know which parts of your life you're willing to change and which have earned permanent residency.

So maybe the question isn't:

Do I need a relationship?

Maybe it's:

What would love add to the life I already have?

Maybe it's romance.

Intimacy.

Affection.

Laughter.

Someone to share experiences with.

Someone who knows the stories behind the stories.

Someone whose company makes an ordinary day more interesting simply because they're in it.

Not completion.

Addition.

There's a difference.

A Good Life Doesn't Have to Be a Closed Life

Sometimes independence develops its own rules.

Once we've proven we can live on our own, we may start acting as though wanting someone beside us somehow undermines the accomplishment.

It doesn't.

You don't surrender your independence because you enjoy being loved.

You don't become less capable because you enjoy having someone to lean on occasionally.

And you don't have to pretend you'd rather do everything alone just because you've shown you can.

There's strength in knowing you can take care of yourself.

There's also strength in knowing that capability doesn't require isolation.

But the opposite view deserves equal respect.

A good life doesn't require a romantic addition, either.

You may look at the life you've created and decide you simply don’t want to add a relationship.

Not because you've given up.

Not because you're afraid.

Not because something terrible happened and you've now built a fortress with excellent landscaping.

You simply prefer your life as it is.

That's an answer too.

Maybe We Can Stop Making the Case

Perhaps that's the part that interests me most.

Why do we feel the need to build a case for either choice?

The woman who wants a relationship sometimes rushes to say she doesn't need one.

The woman who doesn't want a relationship sometimes gives us the full exhibit list to prove that her single life is wonderful.

Maybe both women can put down the evidence.

You don't have to prove you're independent enough to deserve love.

And you don't have to prove your life is full enough to justify being single.

You only have to know what you want.

Not forever.

Not as a position you're required to defend for the rest of your life.

Just now.

Maybe you want love.

Maybe you don't.

Maybe you're open to it, even if you're not actively looking for it.

Maybe you've built a beautiful life and would enjoy sharing parts of it with the right person.

There is no contradiction in that.

Because the right relationship isn't necessarily the answer to something missing.

Sometimes it's simply something good added to something that was already good.

And maybe that's a much better place for love to begin.