LOUISE’S LOVE LETTER

EDITION 40:

Friend, What Do You Actually Want? 🍁

🍁 TODAY'S OBSERVATION

We can describe exactly how we want our coffee, and become strangely vague when asked what we want from a relationship.

Extra hot. Oat milk. Two pumps. No foam.

Ask what she wants in a relationship?

“I don't know. I'm just seeing what's out there.”

Ma'am. You gave the barista a four-part directive.

We can do better.

Hey, Friend

I've been thinking about how often we say we want clarity from other people.

We want them to be clear about their intentions.

Clear about their feelings.

Clear about where this is going.

Meanwhile, someone asks us what we're looking for, and suddenly we're issuing a press statement.

“Well... I'm open to meeting someone and seeing where things go.”

Where?

Where would you like them to go?

Because “I'm open” can mean almost anything.

Open to dating.

Open to commitment.

Open to marriage.

Open to companionship.

Open to dinner, but absolutely nobody is getting a key.

These are different things.

Knowing which one you want could save everybody some time.

Possibly appetizers.

🧣Dating Woman English

Sometimes we know exactly what we want.

We just don't say it.

So allow Louise to provide translation services.

“I'm just seeing what happens.”

Translation: I know exactly what I hope will happen, but we're pretending I don't.

“I'm fine keeping it casual.”

Translation: This statement may need independent verification.

“I'm open to anything.”

Friend.

No, you're not.

Nobody is open to anything.

There are things you don't want.

There are things he doesn't want.

Excellent.

We've already narrowed the field.

That's called progress

💜A Little Louise Logic

Maybe you want marriage.

Maybe you've already been married and have absolutely no desire to do it again.

Maybe you want a committed relationship.

Maybe you want companionship, with separate addresses.

Maybe you're still figuring it out.

All perfectly acceptable.

But here's where things get tricky:

You can't keep saying you're fine with something you're secretly hoping will turn into something else.

That's not “going with the flow.”

That's getting into the river and hoping it passes by your house.

Friend, check the map.

💜 Quick Quiz: What Do You Actually Want?

1. He asks, “What are you looking for?” You say:

A. “A committed relationship.”
B. “I'd like companionship, but I'm not interested in marriage.”
C. “I'm just seeing where things go.”
D. “What are you looking for?”

2. You agree to keep things casual. Three months later, you are:

A. Still happily casual.
B. Ready to discuss whether you both want more.
C. Quietly hoping he'll realize you're no longer casual.
D. Discussing his behavior with three girlfriends who have now formed a committee.

3. You know something is important to you, but you're afraid that saying it will make you sound demanding. You:

A. Say it anyway.
B. Find a comfortable way to bring it up.
C. Drop increasingly obvious hints.
D. Say nothing and grow irritated that he hasn't noticed them.

4. Your dating choices currently match what you say you want.

A. Yes.
B. Mostly.
C. We're working on it.
D. Louise, please stay out of my business.

Your Results

Mostly A's:
Clear. Direct. Using complete sentences. Carry on.

Mostly B's:
You know what you want and understand that another human being gets a vote. Very mature. Slightly annoying, but mature.

Mostly C's:
Friend, you know more than you're letting on. We're going to need you to use your words.

Mostly D's:
Before we interview additional candidates, we need to find the job description.

😂 LOUISE LAUGH

Dating would be considerably easier if everyone used the same labeling system as food.

Emotionally available. Ready for commitment. May contain unresolved ex.

Now that's useful packaging.

💜 Reality Check (with a Smile)

Knowing what you want doesn't mean handing someone a laminated list before the bread arrives.

We're dating.

Not conducting a procurement.

It simply means you can say what you're looking for without apologizing for it.

And the other person gets to do the same.

You may discover you want different things.

That's not failure.

That's information.

Preferably discovered before somebody leaves a toothbrush.

💜 THIS WEEK ON THE BLOG

Maybe You've Simply Outgrown It

Dating feels different after you've built a life you genuinely like. You're no longer waiting for someone to arrive so life can begin. It already has.

So the question changes from simply: Do I like this person? to:

Where does this person fit into the life I've already built?

This week on the blog, we're talking about growth, relationships, compromise, boundaries—and what happens when the life you've created already fits you pretty well.

👉[Read: Maybe You've Simply Outgrown It] GO TO BLOG.

💜THE WELL MOMENT

W — Worthy
What you want matters, even if someone else wants something different.

E — Emotionally Available
Be honest enough with yourself to admit what you're hoping for.

L — Loving
Say what you want without demanding that someone else want it too.

L — Looking with Intention
Date in a way that matches the relationship you're actually looking for.

💥 LOUISE'S TRUTH BOMB

You can't choose what fits until you're willing to admit what you want.

From the Desk of the Author 📚

Friend, I have some exciting news.

The AlphaBet Theory Relationship Workbook: Understand Your Love Patterns. Choose Love That Fits. is officially out in the world.

This workbook takes the ideas behind The AlphaBet Theory and turns them into something you can actually sit down and work through—your patterns, your choices, what compatibility looks like for you, and what you want to do differently going forward.

After today's conversation about knowing what you actually want, the timing feels especially appropriate.

If you've ever thought, "Okay, Louise, I see the pattern. Now what do I do with it?"

This workbook is my answer.

I'm very happy to finally share it with you. 💜

[See The AlphaBet Theory Relationship Workbook]

💜 PASS IT ON

Know someone who can order brunch with military precision but describes her dating goals as “We'll see”?

Send this to her.

No judgment.

Okay.

Very little judgment

🍁 ONE LAST THOUGHT

You don't need to know who is coming next.

You don't need to know exactly how the story ends.

But you should probably know whether you're hoping for marriage, companionship, commitment, casual dating—or simply a nice dinner with an interesting person.

And if you're still figuring it out?

That's fine too.

Just be honest about that.

Because the goal isn't to have the perfect answer.

It's to stop giving answers that aren't true.

And the next time someone asks what you're looking for?

Friend...

“I don't know. What are you looking for?” is still not an answer.

With love, laughter, and absolutely no relationship decisions before coffee,

Louise 💜

Author of Stop Dating the Wrong Letters
www.2-oys.com