LOUISE’S LOVE LETTER

EDITION 41:

Are You Available...or Just Technically Single? 😂

💜TODAY'S OBSERVATION

Some of us would really like to meet someone.

Provided he doesn't interfere with what we're already doing.

The weekends are spoken for.

The routines are established.

The friend groups are functioning nicely.

The vacation calendar has been approved.

And then we say:

“I'd really like to meet someone.”

Wonderful.

When are you available?

Monday is well, Monday.

Tuesday is Pilates.

Wednesday, you have dinner with the girls.

Thursday is reserved for your TV show.

Friday, you don't go out because it's when you recover from the week.

Saturday is possible, but not this Saturday.

And Sunday?

Please.

Sunday has a system.

Friend.

We may need to discuss what we mean by "available."

Hey, Friend

There is a difference between being single and being available for a relationship.

Single is a relationship status.

Available is a behavior.

You can be completely unattached and still arrange your life so that accommodating another person is about as easy as a kitchen renovation.

Being available doesn't mean clearing your calendar.

It doesn't mean giving up the life you love.

And it certainly doesn't mean sitting by the telephone like we're waiting for 1978 to call back.

It means being willing to let another person into your life.

With preferences.

And schedules.

And needs.

Possibly even opinions about where to eat.

I know.

We were doing so well.

💜The Relationship Vacancy Problem

Sometimes we say we want a relationship when what we actually have available is a very small opening between 6:30 and 8:15 every other Thursday.

Must provide own transportation.

No overnight parking.

Holiday availability negotiable.

😂

There's nothing wrong with having a full life.

The problem comes when we expect a relationship to arrive without disturbing any of it.

Because relationships are inconvenient in the most ordinary ways.

Someone wants to see you on a night you usually stay home.

Someone suggests a restaurant that wasn't your first choice.

Someone needs you when you hadn't planned on being needed.

Someone thinks the two of you should make a decision together.

It's almost as if he believes he's in the relationship, too.

The nerve.

💜 Quick Quiz: How Available Are You?

1. Someone you're genuinely interested in asks if you're free on Saturday. You are technically free. You:

A. Say yes.
B. Check whether you'd rather stay home, then decide.
C. Wonder why he didn't ask earlier.
D. Suggest the third Thursday in November.

2. You've been seeing someone you really like. He suggests changing plans you'd already made together. You:

A. See whether the new plan works.
B. Ask why and discuss it.
C. Agree, but make sure your face shows the administrative burden.
D. Remind him that the original plan has already been entered on the calendar.

3. Someone you care about needs you on a day you had other plans. You:

A. Adjust if you reasonably can.
B. Figure out what you can do without blowing up your entire day.
C. Ask how long this is expected to take.
D. Suddenly remember why you enjoyed being single.

4. The idea of someone leaving a few things at your house makes you think:

A. Sweet.
B. Depends on the things.
C. Which drawer?
D. We have hotels in this city for a reason.

Results

Mostly A:
You appear to understand that relationships involve another person. Excellent start.

Mostly B:
Reasonable. Flexible. Still living your own life. Carry on.

Mostly C:
Friend, you may want love, but love is going to need an appointment.

Mostly D:
You don't need a boyfriend.

You need visiting hours.

💜A Little Louise Logic

We established on the blog that you don't need a relationship to make your life complete.

Excellent.

Your certificate is in the mail.

Now someone has actually shown up.

What happens next?

Being available isn't about how many open slots are on your calendar.

It's whether you're willing to accommodate another person once he arrives.

Sometimes you change the restaurant.

Sometimes you adjust the plan.

Sometimes he changes the restaurant.

Sometimes he adjusts the plan.

Sometimes you watch his show.

Sometimes—and I'm going to need everyone to remain calm here—you share the remote.

I didn't say forever.

Let's not get reckless.

💜 THIS WEEK ON THE BLOG

What Would Love Add?

This week's blog post begins with a simple question:

When did not needing something mean you couldn't possibly want it?

You can have a life you love and still want to share parts of it with someone.

Or you may decide you don't want to add a relationship.

Neither choice requires a defense.

The more interesting question may be:

What would love add to the life I already have?

Because the right relationship isn't necessarily the answer to something missing.

Sometimes it's simply something good added to something that was already good.

👉[Read: What Would Love Add?] GO TO BLOG.

💜 Reality Check (with a Smile)

You are allowed to have routines.

You are allowed to have preferences.

You are allowed to have a favorite chair that is not currently accepting applications.

But if every request for flexibility feels like an intrusion, we may need to reconsider the job posting.

Because sometimes:

“I refuse to change myself for a relationship”

really means:

“I refuse to change anything.”

Those are not the same sentence.

💜THE WELL MOMENT

W — Worthy
Making room for someone doesn't require making yourself smaller.

E — Emotionally Available
Availability means allowing another person to matter enough to affect you.

L — Loving
Consider someone else's needs without treating your own as disposable.

L — Looking with Intention
If you want a relationship, behave like there's actually room in your life for one.

💥 LOUISE'S TRUTH BOMB

You don't have to rearrange your whole life for love, but you probably have to move a few things around.

💜 PASS IT ON

Know someone who says she wants a relationship but has no openings until after the holidays?

Send this to her.

Gently.

She has a schedule.

💜 ONE LAST THOUGHT

Nobody is asking you to hand over your life just because someone asked you to dinner.

Please.

We have standards.

But relationships require participation.

They require flexibility.

They require making decisions with another person instead of merely informing him of what you've decided.

And occasionally, they require an evening that isn't already on the calendar.

So if you're looking for love, maybe the question isn't just:

“Where is my person?”

Maybe it's also:

“If he showed up, would I actually let him into my life?”

With love, laughter, and absolutely no unauthorized additions to my calendar,

Louise 💜

Author of Stop Dating the Wrong Letters
www.2-oys.com